By Chukwuneta Oby
In light of recent observations, I feel compelled to offer advice to married men and women: Do not let your marriage become such that it is more of a relief than a loss when you are no longer around. It’s vital that the bonds within your marriage do not come at the expense of other essential relationships in your life.
I no longer encourage people to go out of their way for in-laws, as this often leads to unrealistic expectations. However, it is crucial that you do not prevent your spouse from fulfilling their duties as a son or daughter to their parents or as a sibling to their brothers and sisters.
Unfortunately, there are marriages where one spouse has severed ties with everyone else in their life, especially their parents and siblings, to avoid constant conflict. I now understand why I often felt that a particular acquaintance of mine seemed lost and lonely despite being married. She recently confided in me that her husband didn’t want her family around, and to keep the peace, she cut ties with them. One day, when her father visited, she didn’t even open the door for him.
This woman lost her husband a few years ago, and one of the things that brought her new life was the courage to reconnect with her family. I now see her caring for them, but she regrets the years she turned her back on them. Her energy now is in stark contrast to the palpable sadness she carried when her husband was alive. It is unfair when you expect your spouse to prioritize your family while refusing to show the same care for theirs.
Why should it be that way? Your spouse takes cues from your attitude towards your parents. If they see how much your parents mean to you, they are less likely to overstep boundaries with them.
I have a deep resentment for people who don’t prioritize their parents, and an even deeper resentment for spouses who encourage such behavior. Some wives must never find out that their husband gives anything to his parents or siblings, or it will lead to conflict at home. The audacity of some women is astonishing—do they know where the struggles of life began for that man? Yet, they feel entitled to everything he owns, excluding those who brought him into the world. Could they wish the same treatment upon themselves from their own child? And yet, when life becomes difficult for the man, some wives don’t hesitate to leave, or treat him poorly if they stay.
I often say, “You have made your bed, so lie in it,” to the men who turn their backs on everyone else once they get married. The man who will not live his later days in regret is the one who understands that the relevance of a wife does not diminish the importance of parents and siblings. Many men learn this lesson far too late. There is a reason you are a son and a brother before you are a husband—none of these relationships should be neglected.
Life can unfold in such a way that those we cared the least for end up being the ones who support us in the end. Remember, no good person will encourage you to neglect your loved ones, especially your parents. If anyone, including religious figures you trust, suggests otherwise, you have a mean soul in your life.
It’s a curse if your parents have to complain or report you to others before you fulfill your obligations to them. If a spouse or anyone else can influence you to neglect your parents, it’s not just a weakness—it’s a curse.
Go and make amends before it’s too late.
News Editor